Who Am I? Why Am I Here?

Let me give you a little background information about myself so you know where I'm coming from. I grew up in a typical middle of the road Orthodox Jewish home. I had a normal Jewish education, and I was very good at learning Talmud. I never really had too many problems with Judaism. I wasn't the most frum guy in the world, but I believed in God and I kept the torah without complaint. After High school, I went on to study in Yeshiva in Israel.

In Israel, my level of observance increased greatly. I began to take my Judaism much more seriously. I stopped watching movies. I stopped watching TV In fact, I didn't do much but study Torah. I also started to adapt the standard yeshivish garb of white shirt and black pants.

Eventually, I went back to study Torah in America. All was well and good for a while until something strange began to happen. I started to question how Torah was studied. I noticed that the main focus was Talmud and nothing else. I also began to lose interest in Talmud. But what really began to bother me was the lack of intellectual honesty I sensed in the Yeshiva world regarding the foundations of Orthodox Judaism. Was it really as clear cut as I was taught to believe? The answer soon dawned on me was that most of the things I took for granted didn't have a firm foundation in reality.

My doubts continued for a while. I didn't give up Judaism right away. I continued to struggle with my doubts and think about these issues. Eventually, my thinking lead me to give up Orthodoxy for good. I was completely disgusted with the yeshiva system and Orthodoxy. I felt bitter and deceived. I gave up my observances in secret, but I continued on the outside to keep my Orthodox appearance.

For a while I didn't even think about Judaism. I had enough. I wasn't too concerned about my Jewish identity, because I was taught that serving God and studying Torah was what was really important, and since I didn't believe in those things any more, what was the point of being Jewish?

A funny thing happened, though. I discovered the Jblogosphere. I stumbled one day onto this blog and I got very interested in it. I wondered why I kept on coming back and arguing everyday. I thought I was passed caring, but I realized that I wasn't. I still cared about Judaism in some way or form. I realized that I was judging Judaism based on the OJ understanding of Judaism and perhaps there is a better and more authentic way of understanding of it. I'm not really planning on going back to Orthodoxy or to try out any of the other popular versions of Judaism, because I quite frankly don't see much good there. I don't want to start a new religion or recreate the old one in my own image, either. But I am looking to see if I can find something within the Jewish tradition that's worth keeping for myself. And that's why I created this blog to explore the possibility of finding a Judaism that I can relate to.